In May 2018, I said good-bye to my couple and their sweet baby girl. I remember thinking as they drove away that this must be how a mom feels when her child drives off to college for the first time. A combination of joy, sadness, gratitude, and pride. I knew in my heart that no matter the miles between us, we were all bonded for life.

Within a few days, I was feeling like my old self, well mostly. My jeans still didn’t fit, LOL! Sometimes it seemed like I had dreamt the whole thing, but then I received photos and the memories all came rushing back! The photos were of their baby girl meeting various family and friends. I poured over these images, awestruck! I imagined how it must have felt for them to endure a month wait after her birth to finally hold her. It’s another layer to the journey of an international couple. The support team who prayed alongside them during the initial arduous struggles and then through their surrogacy journey must wait until the new family travels home which is usually about one month after the birth. Although they often received updates via photos and videos that I shared with my couple, I could see in the pictures how eager they were to be with the newest addition. I definitely appreciate the support system my newfound extended family had before, during and after their baby girl’s arrival!

With our busy schedules and the time difference, it was often difficult to connect in real-time so we maintained communication through shared videos and pictures. I was never more grateful for technology!! We did manage to Skype as often as time permitted and we hubby, kids and I enjoyed that so much. I was humbled by how often they thought of me. They shared every new development, from her adorable fashion to their vacations. They even shared a video of her first steps with me. These are precious moments for the parents and I remember feeling honored that I was amongst the few that received these kinds of updates.

Perhaps the most touching video was from her first birthday party. In the video, they showed all of her party guests and openly expressed their gratitude for my role in our journey. I take time now and then to watch the video. It reminds me that regardless of the craziness that can be my life, I did something that has infinite effect and worth.

Although this is the conclusion of my blog series, it is nowhere near the end of my story. I have been given a gift that I will treasure forever, new family members! And besides that……baby girl who is already 1 year old, will have a sibling in 2020!!! That’s right, her parents want to give her someone to share her life with and I am thrilled that they asked me to help them again. Keep an eye on BFI’s social media for updates regarding my surrobabe’s transition to BIG SISTER!

Thank you for reading my story and hopefully, I will be reading your story soon!!

Did you know that a psychological evaluation is required prior to your acceptance into the program at Building Families, Inc? Read on to learn why.

Dr. Radojevic’s objective is to ensure that each gestational carrier understands the commitment being made and she must determine if the carrier has sufficient coping skills to manage a surrogacy arrangement. How does she make this determination? Well, first let me point out that Dr. Rad is an expert in diagnostic evaluations. She has chosen to use a personality inventory exam along with a clinical interview to gather the data she needs to make a determination. Most often, she is able to do this with just one visit, but if she feels more data is needed, then she calls the surrogate mom to review any concerns or questions she has. She also interviews the surrogate’s husband/partner. Once she clears the gestational carrier, she calls Randi and Carol to give a report listing the qualities that this amazing woman possesses. This helps them in finding the right match for her.

Psychological clearance is just the beginning of the carrier’s relationship with Dr. Rad. She will see Dr. Rad every month in the group counseling sessions that are required throughout the surrogacy journey. Dr. Rad loves working with our surrogate moms and makes herself available to counsel them through all of life’s events while they are in our program. Her continuous involvement also gives her the advantage of recognizing potential issues and diffuse them before they turn into an actual problem. It is our belief that the psychological component in the surrogacy arrangement is as essential as the medical component. BFI seeks to assist all of our surrogates in receiving the best possible care overall throughout their journey.

I left off that I had a small complication that didn’t allow me to visit with anyone the night after I delivered. But, the first thing the next day my couple and their new baby came for a visit which lasted all day and we celebrated her safe arrival. It is definitely up there on my list of ‘best days’ of my life!!

Our good-byes, for now, happened the next day. We were being discharged from the hospital. When I entered their room, I saw their baby and she was wearing the family heirloom outfit! The one that her mother and her auntie wore when they were born!! It is a memory that often comes to mind and makes me smile.

I was pretty exhausted which was expected after the blood loss I suffered during delivery. When I got home, which was only minutes from leaving the hospital since we live so close, I fell asleep. I awoke to my little family around me making sure I was resting and recovering. It was a big difference from when our children were born that the main focus was on me! It was nice!!

I had offered to pump breastmilk and my couple happily accepted. You never know if you will have a good supply, and you must know me by now that it was something I worried about. But, we were really lucky! Not only did I have a sufficient supply, I naturally woke up at night to pump and was able to keep a good pumping schedule and provided milk for the baby for the month before they all went home.

My husband and I were so thankful that our couple rented an Airbnb close to our home. We were able to visit with them every few days while they were here. It was during this time that our bond was really cemented. We became honorary Aunt & Uncle to their baby girl and they filled the same roles to our children as well. I remember spending afternoons with them and while mom and I were cooing over the baby, dad took my kids into the backyard for exploration and fun. We still talk about how one of the best times was that summer with them.

Near the end of their stay, we were able to host a BBQ where our extended family was able to meet the new family. I think until that point they didn’t really understand why I did what I did. But meeting my couple and seeing them with their baby was so huge for my parents especially. I definitely was able to see the moment when the magnitude of the situation hit my mom. Although she’s always been a big supporter of her children, I can’t think of another time she was more proud of me. Seeing a couple become a family and knowing you had any small part of it, it’s really unparalleled. I think for my parents, seeing their child be a part of that and knowing that all of the times they babysat or helped out in my journey were all steps to making this dream come true was really amazing.

The last day before my couple went home was bittersweet. I was overwhelmed with excitement for them to introduce their child to their friends and family. I knew that they were being met at the airport by the maternal grandparents and paternal grandmother and couldn’t wait to hear all about their reaction to meeting baby. On the other hand, my little family was so sad that we wouldn’t be able to see them every week anymore. We had grown used to having meals together and had really bonded on a personal level with them. The word bond is too small to adequately express the level of our relationship. I felt as close to them as my own family. How do you properly describe that bond??

We stood in the entryway of my home just hugging and crying and promising to keep in touch. My sassy, then two and a half year old daughter, managed to lighten the mood. When Dad went to put baby girl in the car seat to leave, it wasn’t empty! My daughter had strapped a baby doll in her place! It gave us a good laugh. When they drove away, I imagined that this must be how a mom feels when her child drives off to college for the first time. A combination of joy, sadness, gratitude, and pride. I knew in my heart that no matter the miles between us, we were all bonded for life.

This is my fifth installment in my surrogacy reflection story. Stay tuned for the next and final installment!!

How cool is this?! Healthy mothers who are willing to donate breast milk are now able to do so at a new Human Milk Depot in Mount Vernon! Read on for details here! 

#milkdepot #breastmilk #inthenews #buildingfamiliesinc

It’s never too soon to start the process! Tiffany has received tentative medical clearance from Dr. Hatch at Fertility Center of SoCal. Once she completes her personal nursing journey, she will be well on her way to building a new family!

Today, we’re taking a little peek at an average day for our lovely Case Manager, Shannon. If you haven’t encountered Shannon yet, don’t worry you soon will!! A must for Shannon is her morning coffee. Then she prepares a healthy breakfast for herself and the family before getting them out the door. It’s now about 8 am and it is time to check on her GC’s and confirm her schedule for the day. Most days she is on the road by 8:15 am attending a prenatal ultrasound or medical clearance somewhere between Orange County and San Diego. Before and after each appointment, she is communicating with BFI providing an update and sharing the upcoming steps for this case. During the appointment, she gets to visit with the GC and speak with the medical staff. On her drive to and from the appointments, she makes a point to call one or two of her GCs to catch up. Communication is so important to her…and us! At the end of the day, you will find her with her family; usually supporting them in their extracurricular activities, whipping up a delicious dinner, and spending quality time together by the pool! We are so grateful to be such a big part of her days. She is a calming force and a fountain of knowledge; thank you, Shannon for all you do!

#adayinthelifeofShannon #shesourbiggestsupporter #buildingfamiliesinc #casemanager

Melissa had her Fetal Echo Cardiogram; a test similar to an ultrasound that uses sound waves that “echo” off the structures of the fetus’s heart. It’s amazing how far technology has come!

#fetalecho #proudsurrogate #buildingfamiliesinc

Dr. Rad loves it when the girls bring in photos to share during group! Sometimes it turns into storytime when the Surrogate Mom creates a beautiful album.
#storytime #group #buildingfamiliesinc

Now it’s time to share the moment we were all waiting for….the birth of my couple’s baby!!!

As April 2018 rolled around, we were in the final countdown! My couple arrived on the 24th, in my 38th week of pregnancy. The following night we met them and Randi for dinner at our local Olive Garden. If you recall from earlier in my story, I would take belly pictures so they could “see” their baby grow. They were clearly overjoyed to see the baby bump in person!! My IM mentioned that her sister was coming to town for a Justin Timberlake concert and looked forward to introducing her to us and of course, to meet her new niece or nephew.

We talked and talked and somehow the topic of Vegas came up. They mentioned that they had never visited Las Vegas. Knowing my past delivery experiences and having had an OB appointment just a few days prior, I encouraged them to have this last childfree hurrah. They would be only 3 hours away and I truly felt comfortable with them going. Building Families was nervous but supportive. LOL!! I am so glad they trusted my instincts enough to do this.
April 30th was chosen by my doctor to induce the delivery. I am no stranger to induction, having been induced with both of my own children at 41 weeks. Quite frankly, I like being able to prepare and knowing when the baby is coming. There is enough excitement that day, rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night doesn’t have to be one of them! So, that morning, my husband and I dropped our kids off with my parents and headed to the hospital.

Once I was checked in and changed, the nurse started monitoring me. I was having mild contractions and already dilated to 2cm. I opted to have an epidural as soon as possible. I knew how short I could become with everyone when I’m in pain, haha! Then came time to start the Pitocin. I was so glad that I got my epidural as I wanted to exude calmness and confidence to my couple, not make them feel bad that I was in pain. When they came in, I was not feeling a thing! We chatted for a bit and took guesses regarding gender.

I have to give credit where credit is due and tell you all that my husband, Mark, was amazing during labor and delivery. He chatted with my couple and saw to their and my needs and he even was quite entertaining. I had so much support too. Not only was Shannon there for a majority of the day, but Lauryn even came up from Orange County to see me. Randi, who you all probably know as the program manager at BFI, was there for the delivery. I am not sure if I touched on my relationship with Randi in my previous parts, but she has been one of my best friends for over ten years and having her by my side is a memory I will cherish forever.

Ok, so back to the delivery! Finally, around 7 pm, it was time to push! My couple, Randi, and my husband all huddled around me as the area was prepped. Just before it was time to push, the most amazing thing happened. My IM’s sister arrived at the hospital. I insisted on waiting so she could experience the baby’s arrival with her sister. Thankfully, the hospital staff was super accommodating to my entourage and allowed her in. At this point, I don’t recall where everyone was standing, only that they were all there. I had my husband holding one leg and my IM holding the other. I remember them both encouraging me the entire time. One final push, a tiny cry pierced the air and Dr. V said, “It’s a Girl, It’s a Girl!” I felt the tears running down my face and I remember thinking, they are parents now, not intended parents, but truly parents. Dad cut the cord and Mom opened her shirt so her new baby could snuggle with her. I look over and see Dad on his knees in front of them and the Aunt at her sister’s shoulder, all staring at this miracle in her Mother’s arms. There are literally no words that could describe how that moment felt to me.

Due to a small complication, I was unable to leave my bed and visit with anyone that night. The next morning my couple arrived at the hospital and they wheeled their baby girl into my room. They handed her to me and I couldn’t resist counting all her fingers and toes and just reveling in the moment. She was finally here and she was absolutely perfect. I was relieved and grateful. The four of us (and baby) spent the entire day together. We talked about everything and nothing at all. It is definitely up there on my list of ‘best days’.

When it was time for discharge my couple was escorted into the NICU area to go over the baby’s discharge information while I completed my portion in the room. I was done before them and the nurse wheeled me over to say my goodbyes. As I got up from the obligatory wheelchair and entered the room I was floored. Remember when I shared with you that during one of our Skype calls, they showed me the outfit that they wanted their child to wear home from the hospital? The same outfit that the new mom and her sister wore when they were born? Well, that is what she was wearing!

It was at that moment that I realized the gravity of my journey. I quickly said my goodbyes and made my way to our car. As soon as we started to drive my husband looked over at me in shock. I was bawling! I was so overwhelmed with emotion. Seeing her in the outfit that otherwise may never have been worn again and realizing that I had had such a pivotal role in it blew my mind. Honestly, it still does!

When I look back on delivery day and the hospital stay one emotion shines brighter than the rest: gratitude! I am so thankful for the support of my agency, Building Families, (my extended family really), my husband, and my couple. Although this probably reads like an ending, there’s still more to come in my story! Stay tuned!

We have an outline of the matching process on our website and you can click here to read it. But Christine has asked me to not just elaborate, but to explain how I do it. She mentioned her own experience as a Surrogate Mom and reminded me of how perfectly she was matched. And she quoted many others that have said the same thing. I wanted to joke with her and say that I just throw darts, but I am so bad at that game if it were even a little bit true, no one would get matched! Drawing names out of bag??? Or better yet, use my granddaughter’s Magic 8 ball. No, of course, these aren’t true but they are easier to explain than the feelings I get about people.

So, let’s discuss the easy part first. The Science and the Math of the equation. A must for any match is that the Couple and their prospective Surrogate Mom have similar belief systems in regards to challenging and sometimes painful decisions about the pregnancy. These things are never negotiable. I do read their ideas about relationships and contact during and after the pregnancy, but honestly, I do not put too much weight on this part. Imagine making a profound decision regarding a relationship that has not yet started with people you have not yet met! But, this is what we do. We do remind everyone that nothing is in stone, we only want to get an idea of where their thoughts and expectations are at that particular point in time. The profile is a tool, but not the only one.

More science, Dr. Rad. Her job is critical, of course! Her first purpose is to make sure each person is crazy enough to go through this strenuous journey, but not too crazy. 😉 Seriously, her job is to ensure surrogacy is right for each person. She gives us an insight into each person that we could never gain without spending a great deal of time. And since we don’t have time to date, we are grateful for her work. She gives us a comprehensive report of their personalities which not only helps us in the matching, but guides us on how to best support them through the journey.

So, we take the science and math parts of the equation and recognize that these are static. After that, honestly, it is more of a gut feeling. I just know who will be good together and good for each other. It is amazing the things I learn after the match is formed about how much they have in common. Things that I couldn’t know yet. Some things are more obvious such as realizing that putting an introvert and an extrovert together is not a good idea unless you think they could complement each other, ground each other in the middle. Again, I don’t know how to put into words how I determine that. So, sorry Christine! This may not be the answer you were hoping for but this is all I have. I don’t have a secret recipe that I am refusing to share……..I swear! LOL

– Carol