Happy New Year!!!

We had another stellar year. We shared in the building of many families for which we are very proud and honored. Every birth is a miracle, of course, but we got to see some truly incredible things this year. Some Couples who have struggled for many years before meeting us, went home with their hearts filled with more joy than they could have ever imagined. I am impressed with their diligence in achieving their dream of parenthood. It wasn’t easy, but we did it together!

Our very own, Tracy, was a Surrogate Mom again this year. You’ll remember that she helped her first Couple have two gorgeous boys in years past. Well, she and Jermaine decided they wanted to help a new Couple achieve their dream of parenthood one last time. I was surprised when she called me, but happily, of course! As is her usual, she did a tremendous job and changed this Spanish Couple’s lives forever. They have a gorgeous boy too, which is all Tracy seems to make. Hahaha! Tracy continues to be our Recruiter and doing an incredible job.

Breann is a Godsend. My Program is as successful as it is due largely in part to her efforts as a Case Manager. As you know she is a mom to two growing kids and still manages to care for all of her cases with so much sensitivity and thoughtfulness. Jerry has made my life a lot easier too. He is a workhorse! He has been with us for a bit more than 2 years and his presence allows me to enjoy each case more by spending time with the Surrogate Moms and their Couples. And also to spend time with the new families that we help build. This time is priceless and I appreciate so much having the ability to do this.

Dr. Rad wrote a fascinating article this month, “Secrets Lead to Shame: The Truth Leads to Health and Healing”. You should check it out in “Dr. Rad’s News & Views”. She discussed the material I brought back from the ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine) conference this year. Families today are formed in so many different ways and the parents should not be ashamed of what they had to do to have the child they so desperately wanted. Sperm donation, Egg donation, Surrogacy and Adoption are all acceptable means of achieving the goal of parenthood. But sometimes one or both of the new parents are concerned about compromising their role in their child’s life if the child knows they are not genetically related or if the mother did not give birth to the child. Studies have been performed on hundreds of families who disclosed the origin of their child’s birth to their child and in every case the bond between the parent and child were stronger. There was a bond of trust there that doesn’t always occur in many relationships but especially between a parent and child. In addition, the psychologists believe that the earlier you tell your child about how they came to be, the better. It makes telling and hearing the information much easier to process for both sides. If the parent starts telling the child’s story at birth, by the time they are older the parent is comfortable and it is not news for the child since they have been hearing the story their whole lives, literally. So, when a new parent is thinking they will withhold information from their child because they are afraid they won’t understand the complexities, they need to identify the fear as their own and deal with it. Every person has a right to know their history which may begin at birth but for our new parents, it starts long before then. If you are unsure what to say, there are some books on the subject that you can read. But you can always ask us as we are happy to guide you not just through your Surrogacy, but for as long as you need us!

Speaking of families, my family is doing wonderful! Jenny and Doug’s wedding this past summer was incredible and their marriage is a beautiful message to everyone that love truly is grand. Jenny has also achieved her goal of becoming a teacher. She teaches 3rd Grade in Orange County. Johnny has so many irons in the fire, which I guess is expected at age 22. He has a passion for writing and has recently submitted his first freelance article to a magazine which is very exciting. Keep your fingers crossed that he gets a good response. John and I are the same….which is a good thing. We wish you a happy holiday season and a beautiful new year!

God’s Blessings to All,

Carol

“Mother for Rent” or “Womb for Rent” are terms used in some countries to describe or identify a Surrogate Mother. Admittedly, for most of us here in the USA this has a negative connotation.

Since I first heard these terms more than 10 years ago, I was determined to correct everyone I heard use it. This has been quite an undertaking! I have come to learn that most of the people using these terms do not mean any disrespect. It is a term that was created and they just use it. I am hoping that in time it will be used less and a more appropriate term like “Surrogate Mother” or “Gestational Carrier” be used.

I read in the new law in Spain (BOE-A-2010-15317) that the Surrogate Mothers are referred to as Gestational Mothers. I think this is a huge step forward in their country. Hopefully soon the world will view the Surrogate Mothers as this Spanish law does as these women deserve respect in every language and in every land.

Click Here to download a .pdf (207 KB) about the new Spanish law. Please note that this is an unofficial translation.

Carol attended the ASRM conference in Denver, CO this past October and she brought back literature about how to build a Healthy Family from the perspective of the Mental Health Advisory Council.  I found nothing new which was very reassuring as I have always counseled our Couples to be open and honest with their child regarding their origin.  The adoption literature and research is a good model which has been proven time and time again.  I will discuss this and also the negative effects of secrecy to help give you a balance of the two.

Throughout the psychological literature especially in adoption but also including abuse, the largest problem placed on children is one of keeping a secret or being part of a secret. Whether the secret is kept from them or whether the child is asked to keep the secret such as in abuse, it has been demonstrated to be negative and create psychopathology in adult life if not earlier.  Often children feel a sense of shame which comes out of being a “secret.”  Secrets are often perceived as negative or shameful by others and of course by the person who has a secret.  For example, addiction is usually a secret and hence very shameful to the person, family & friends.  Shame when experienced by individuals, both children & adults, over time may manifest behaviorally as shyness, isolation, acting out behaviors such as self-destructive behaviors (e.g. drugs & alcohol).  In fact, most of these self-defeating behaviors function twofold:  one to keep you from seeing or dealing with the real secret and two, perpetuating a deep sense of shamefulness due to the behaviors.   The destructive behaviors keep the secret from view while the shame becomes a feeling tone identified as a sense of self or who I am.  In children, these feelings of shame become confusing and often lead to a lack of building a solid identity which affects all aspects of functioning from academics to interpersonal relationships.  It is very complex and intricate.  All of these maladaptive behaviors may develop into a vicious cycle.  The potency of secrets and shame are indeed destructive to the very fabric of well-being, being well adjusted and living a life full of potential.

Indeed, children are resilient and they do not make judgments about the world or others in a negative fashion until they are fully socialized.  Socialization occurs by late childhood or early adolescence.  As a psychologist, after many decades of clinical observations, it is never one thing that leads to psychopathology or maladaptive behaviors but rather the ongoing, repetitive pattern of events that creates those issues and destructive or maladaptive behaviors for people.  We seem to be concerned about how or when to tell a child about surrogacy as part of their life. I think often it is our own dynamics that we feel or struggle with that contributes toward deferring the decision to share with the child their birth history.  In counseling parents about telling their child their birth history, I ask them to become conscious and reflect on their own thoughts and feelings which they may be attributing to the child.  This can be a fruitful way of opening the doors to communicating with the child effectively.  Projection of parental fears to tell the truth may hinder the child’s development and healthy progress in life.

We do not want to set a pattern of deception or secrecy about being a surrogate child so why not tell them from the beginning?   The child needs to be communicated about their birth heritage from the beginning of life to avoid the negative emotions of shame.   I believe part of the dilemma for parents is how to tell a one year old, two year old or should we wait until they are ten years old?  It must be imbedded within the child’s context of their language and cognitive abilities.  Hence, communication about birth heritage starts at the beginning of life.  This may be translated verbally or by reading children’s books at bedtime or other times.  These kinds of communications actually propel the truth to the child and normalize the entire process of their birth history as opposed to fostering a secret or something that is uncomfortable to discuss for others as well as the child.

I hope this has given our parents some guidelines to begin to consider even before your baby is here and reflect on this issue from the beginning of the pregnancy.  It is up to us to help our children live up to their potential and embrace that a loving Surrogate Mother brought them into the lives of their families.  This is truly a gift to be shared and appreciated rather than a secret to be hidden from view.  The truth is frequently healing and freeing for the entire family unit.

I wish all of you a happy, healthy and joyful holiday season.  May it be filled with many blessings for all of you!  Happy New Year 2011!!!

As Always With Warm Regards, Dr. Radojevic “Dr. Rad”

Although I have been the psychologist for Building Families, Inc. for more than14 years and have seen almost 200 Surrogates successfully complete the program, I am still amazed at our Surrogate’s dedication to their goal of giving their Couples a healthy child. Countless times I have heard them state, “I am more careful with the surrogate pregnancy then I have ever been with my own.”

As all of you know, our Surrogates undergo a very rigorous application process from the initial application forms and home visit to the psychological evaluation. The psychological evaluation is geared toward ruling out any emotional issues or disorders which would hinder the process of being a successful Surrogate. It is designed to protect everyone who is involved in the surrogacy from the surrogate to the couple to the baby to our health care team. The rigorous nature of the evaluation and the rather obsessive-compulsive pattern that I get involved with each time is certainly necessary even though it may be intimidating. I truly believe that we have set the standard for both the evaluation and psychological care of Surrogates and our Intended Parents. My focus is on the psychological care of our Surrogates following their clearance into the program.

On a monthly basis I visit with our Surrogates in our group therapy. Those meetings range from celebrating birth stories to discussing coping strategies as needed for their progress. Indeed, often we are celebrating the beginning or the end of the Surrogates’ journey. These moments give me the opportunity to reflect on just how amazing these selfless women are and how privileged I am to be able to follow them during their tenure with us.

The selfless nature of our surrogates far extends their initial desire to give a child to a Couple who is unable to have their own. I have observed these phenomena of how our Surrogates take care of themselves so well during the pregnancy. In the first few years of my work with the program, I thought it was our good luck and fortune to have Surrogates who took incredible care of themselves. However, over time I have realized that they are quality women who are willing to extend their bodies, minds, time and life to help a Couple in need. In addition, I believe our stringent evaluation and overall care which our team provides is a factor in this equation.

We have witnessed how our Surrogates are more careful and sensitive to what they eat, how they sleep, rest, and all kinds of issues as a way of protecting the pregnancy and the precious baby for their Couple. Seriously, how could we ask for more?! These are super women with a dedication often beyond our high expectations of them. Truly we are very fortunate to have these special women on our team. Indeed our Surrogates are the very best in the state, no country, no the world, no the Universe!

Wishing all of you a Happy & Healthy New Year 2010!

Dr. Rad
Director of the Health Psychology Program
Licensed Psychologist (PSY 12742)

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents

Why is an Agency necessary for the Surrogate Arrangement?

I have always worked closely and exclusively with Building Families. I have chosen to not work with any other agency or any independent surrogate arrangement. After eight years of performing psychological evaluations for the surrogacy program and understanding the importance of every party of the arrangement, I still got seduced into participating in an independent arrangement! I couldn’t believe I was agreeing to this as I had refused to this at least one hundred times before. I have always advocated that the agency is the only way to go. I will explain my story here but let me say this now. I am here to tell you that without a structured program for the surrogacy and/or egg donation arrangement the standard of care and success of our Couple’s desires to become parents is seriously compromised. I AM AGAIN CONFIRMING MY COMMITMENT TO AGENCY WORK ONLY!

The seduction occurred this past year. I was approached by a young and intelligent Couple to perform the psychological evaluation on a woman they knew for quite some time and who had offered to become their Surrogate Mother. They were referred to me by a physician who is well respected in the industry. He, too, said that his policy has always been that all surrogate arrangements his clinic treats must be handled by a surrogacy agency. But like him, after hearing how prepared they were for the process, I felt there was no reasonable explanation for me to turn them down. I was very clear about the criteria that would need to be met to assure everyone’s emotional health during this process and the Couple completely agreed. At every turn, I continued to urge the Couple to seek the help of an agency especially as it was becoming evident that things were not going to go well. The fact that they continued to refuse the help of an agency should have been my red flag, but I was seduced, remember? Shortly after performing the requested evaluation, everything we had agreed to was not adhered to…..surprised? It became apparent to me why we needed to have an agency with a proven record to make all parties adhere to the required and recommended treatment for the larger good. In addition, the agency facilitates the progress without the Intended Parents feeling the stress or strain. One of the reasons for independent surrogacy is often the “cost” of the agency. Well, frankly the price or “cost” of not having an agency, in this case, Building Families, is far greater in the long run in this independent surrogacy arrangement. In ways they are paying a price that I don’t even want to think about!!

After 6 months, this Couple is still swimming in chaos even though they already have a Surrogate Mother….no progress has happened and they still believe they do not need an agency! Just the stress of no progress and the roller coaster of hope and let downs is detrimental to all parties. We tend to minimize the emotional toll that Couples as well as Surrogate Mothers have when things do not go according to plan. Building Families takes control to promote the least amount of damage to everyone with a proven record of success for Surrogate Mothers and their Couples. It is, in one way, insurance that reduces the emotional heartbreak during the surrogate arrangement of our often emotionally taxed Couples.

Maybe, because Carol Weathers and Building Families’ staff handle the details of appointments, injections, medical, legal and psychological requirements with such ease that everyone, including myself (this time only), thinks it is easy to handle the intricacies and individual complexities of surrogacy. The amount of time and emotional agony for the Couple as well as the liability that all involved professionals take on is tremendous. We must respect the structure and realize that the worth of the agency is too great especially when a Couple “thinks” they can handle their own arrangement. I do not have any data on the success of agency vs. independent surrogacy arrangements, but I would bet you that the agency, especially Building Families, has a significantly greater success rate.

It really takes an awesome and competent team to help Couples and Surrogate Mothers navigate safely and efficiently through the troubled waters from conception to birth of the Couple’s child. Building Families does this so beautifully that it makes a difficult task of coordination; implementation and all the tiny details until the Couple goes home with their baby seem so easy! I for one see the immense value of the agency in getting a job done that otherwise is left to random occurrences; no matter how dedicated and competent all the other professionals may be.

I wish you all a Happy and Safe Holiday Season…with many blessings. Until we meet again. Dr. Rad.

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents

Wherever you were on that horrible day of September 11, 2001, you were affected by the terrorist attack on New York City and Washington, D.C. The initial impact as I watched it unfold on television was one of denial and shock. For most of us, Americans and others around the world, we were in total disbelief that this was actually happening. Carol Weathers called me immediately to report that she had made contact with all of our East Coast Couples to make sure that everyone in our “community” at Building Families was safe. Indeed, we were all blessed that all our Couples and Surrogate Moms were safe, home and abroad.

That is an interesting term today; “safe”. You may not feel safe as of right now. I believe this is a normal reaction to this most unusual trauma. While we stand united against terrorism, as a nation and with our allies worldwide, we continue to learn more about people that “hate” our way of life. We are suffering from aftermath of witnessing four of our planes, filled with our loved ones, get hijacked and crash into civilian buildings and the Pentagon. I suspect that this will be a lengthy process of psychological recovery that could take years. The levels of trauma are beyond the usual and expected stress of life. Many, if not all, of us around the world are and will experience some form of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder consists of difficulties in sleeping, waking up early, fear of planes beyond the fear of flying, fatigue, feelings of depression and recurring thoughts of the trauma we experienced. I wanted you to know that these symptoms are expected and I encourage you to talk about it. The importance of having a sense of control and ability to share your feelings is embraced by all of us at Building Families in our everyday life and is especially important now.

As a psychologist who promotes well-being and resolution of conflict, I find myself at odds with rampant thoughts of getting back at those who performed this horrific act. Yet, when you have been victimized and terrorized, it is normal to go through a mourning process that also includes feelings of anger. This mourning process may include waves of denial, anger, bargaining with God (e.g. “I’ll change if you make this go away, God”), depression and finally acceptance. I have yet to figure out what “acceptance” actually translates to in this situation. Perhaps acceptance is getting back to being productive and living our lives.

So if you find yourself acting angry, frustrated or scared; be patient with yourself. Allow us or someone close to you to help you through this healing process…talking can be curative. Remember that our children have to live their lives too, even when their mothers and fathers are scared. I’ve allowed my 18-year old to stay in San Francisco as she embarks on her college career, when I truly wanted her to come home so I can be assured that no one will hurt the baby I’ve been raising for 18 years in freedom to become independent, “SECURE” and a contributing citizen.

We all have to overcome our deepest fears now. Remember that we are all safer today in this country than we were several weeks ago. We have more information, we have more safe guards…IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS. Some strategies to assist you in coping with this trauma are:

• Don’t isolate yourself. Learn to relate to others.
• Don’t become addicted to the television news channels. It can become immobilizing.
• Continue with any plans you had prior to September 11, 2001.
• Resolve to live our life as planned.
• Listen to and enjoy your favorite music.

May God bless all of you and your families and God Bless America.

Until we meet again.

Dr. Rad.

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents