Why is an Agency necessary for the Surrogate Arrangement?

I have always worked closely and exclusively with Building Families. I have chosen to not work with any other agency or any independent surrogate arrangement. After eight years of performing psychological evaluations for the surrogacy program and understanding the importance of every party of the arrangement, I still got seduced into participating in an independent arrangement! I couldn’t believe I was agreeing to this as I had refused to this at least one hundred times before. I have always advocated that the agency is the only way to go. I will explain my story here but let me say this now. I am here to tell you that without a structured program for the surrogacy and/or egg donation arrangement the standard of care and success of our Couple’s desires to become parents is seriously compromised. I AM AGAIN CONFIRMING MY COMMITMENT TO AGENCY WORK ONLY!

The seduction occurred this past year. I was approached by a young and intelligent Couple to perform the psychological evaluation on a woman they knew for quite some time and who had offered to become their Surrogate Mother. They were referred to me by a physician who is well respected in the industry. He, too, said that his policy has always been that all surrogate arrangements his clinic treats must be handled by a surrogacy agency. But like him, after hearing how prepared they were for the process, I felt there was no reasonable explanation for me to turn them down. I was very clear about the criteria that would need to be met to assure everyone’s emotional health during this process and the Couple completely agreed. At every turn, I continued to urge the Couple to seek the help of an agency especially as it was becoming evident that things were not going to go well. The fact that they continued to refuse the help of an agency should have been my red flag, but I was seduced, remember? Shortly after performing the requested evaluation, everything we had agreed to was not adhered to…..surprised? It became apparent to me why we needed to have an agency with a proven record to make all parties adhere to the required and recommended treatment for the larger good. In addition, the agency facilitates the progress without the Intended Parents feeling the stress or strain. One of the reasons for independent surrogacy is often the “cost” of the agency. Well, frankly the price or “cost” of not having an agency, in this case, Building Families, is far greater in the long run in this independent surrogacy arrangement. In ways they are paying a price that I don’t even want to think about!!

After 6 months, this Couple is still swimming in chaos even though they already have a Surrogate Mother….no progress has happened and they still believe they do not need an agency! Just the stress of no progress and the roller coaster of hope and let downs is detrimental to all parties. We tend to minimize the emotional toll that Couples as well as Surrogate Mothers have when things do not go according to plan. Building Families takes control to promote the least amount of damage to everyone with a proven record of success for Surrogate Mothers and their Couples. It is, in one way, insurance that reduces the emotional heartbreak during the surrogate arrangement of our often emotionally taxed Couples.

Maybe, because Carol Weathers and Building Families’ staff handle the details of appointments, injections, medical, legal and psychological requirements with such ease that everyone, including myself (this time only), thinks it is easy to handle the intricacies and individual complexities of surrogacy. The amount of time and emotional agony for the Couple as well as the liability that all involved professionals take on is tremendous. We must respect the structure and realize that the worth of the agency is too great especially when a Couple “thinks” they can handle their own arrangement. I do not have any data on the success of agency vs. independent surrogacy arrangements, but I would bet you that the agency, especially Building Families, has a significantly greater success rate.

It really takes an awesome and competent team to help Couples and Surrogate Mothers navigate safely and efficiently through the troubled waters from conception to birth of the Couple’s child. Building Families does this so beautifully that it makes a difficult task of coordination; implementation and all the tiny details until the Couple goes home with their baby seem so easy! I for one see the immense value of the agency in getting a job done that otherwise is left to random occurrences; no matter how dedicated and competent all the other professionals may be.

I wish you all a Happy and Safe Holiday Season…with many blessings. Until we meet again. Dr. Rad.

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents

Wherever you were on that horrible day of September 11, 2001, you were affected by the terrorist attack on New York City and Washington, D.C. The initial impact as I watched it unfold on television was one of denial and shock. For most of us, Americans and others around the world, we were in total disbelief that this was actually happening. Carol Weathers called me immediately to report that she had made contact with all of our East Coast Couples to make sure that everyone in our “community” at Building Families was safe. Indeed, we were all blessed that all our Couples and Surrogate Moms were safe, home and abroad.

That is an interesting term today; “safe”. You may not feel safe as of right now. I believe this is a normal reaction to this most unusual trauma. While we stand united against terrorism, as a nation and with our allies worldwide, we continue to learn more about people that “hate” our way of life. We are suffering from aftermath of witnessing four of our planes, filled with our loved ones, get hijacked and crash into civilian buildings and the Pentagon. I suspect that this will be a lengthy process of psychological recovery that could take years. The levels of trauma are beyond the usual and expected stress of life. Many, if not all, of us around the world are and will experience some form of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder consists of difficulties in sleeping, waking up early, fear of planes beyond the fear of flying, fatigue, feelings of depression and recurring thoughts of the trauma we experienced. I wanted you to know that these symptoms are expected and I encourage you to talk about it. The importance of having a sense of control and ability to share your feelings is embraced by all of us at Building Families in our everyday life and is especially important now.

As a psychologist who promotes well-being and resolution of conflict, I find myself at odds with rampant thoughts of getting back at those who performed this horrific act. Yet, when you have been victimized and terrorized, it is normal to go through a mourning process that also includes feelings of anger. This mourning process may include waves of denial, anger, bargaining with God (e.g. “I’ll change if you make this go away, God”), depression and finally acceptance. I have yet to figure out what “acceptance” actually translates to in this situation. Perhaps acceptance is getting back to being productive and living our lives.

So if you find yourself acting angry, frustrated or scared; be patient with yourself. Allow us or someone close to you to help you through this healing process…talking can be curative. Remember that our children have to live their lives too, even when their mothers and fathers are scared. I’ve allowed my 18-year old to stay in San Francisco as she embarks on her college career, when I truly wanted her to come home so I can be assured that no one will hurt the baby I’ve been raising for 18 years in freedom to become independent, “SECURE” and a contributing citizen.

We all have to overcome our deepest fears now. Remember that we are all safer today in this country than we were several weeks ago. We have more information, we have more safe guards…IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS. Some strategies to assist you in coping with this trauma are:

• Don’t isolate yourself. Learn to relate to others.
• Don’t become addicted to the television news channels. It can become immobilizing.
• Continue with any plans you had prior to September 11, 2001.
• Resolve to live our life as planned.
• Listen to and enjoy your favorite music.

May God bless all of you and your families and God Bless America.

Until we meet again.

Dr. Rad.

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents

Fulfilling the dreams of couples who wish to become parents is the mission of Building Families Through Surrogacy, Inc. and our Surrogate Mothers. The psychology component of Building Families has had a busy year as we have evaluated, with care, who can become part of this valuable program. In fact, we have to date accepted only 50% of those we have evaluated. This stringent criteria reflects our concern for both the surrogate’s as well as the couple’s emotional well-being.

How important is the emotional well-being of the selected Surrogate Mothers? We define well-being as a sense that life has purpose, daily existence is experienced as meaningful, and a positive self-image. We strive to promote this emotional state through stringent pre-selection,, phone contacts, and our support groups. We believe that surrogacy is an enormous gift to our couples and we work to protect our surrogates from undue stress, while promoting an environment of support and belonging. Given all the potential “hassles” that accompany surrogacy, we feel strongly that our support groups and availability facilitate the transitions from conception to delivery in a community of caring, support and concern.

It has been our privilege to be a part of this program. The psychology team is here to help and for you to “lean on” when you need us. In addition, we are extremely grateful to all of you and Ms. Weathers. Finally, to help us continue to grow and develop, we are eager to hear from you. Let us know if you would like us to address specific topics on the Building Families Web site. Send ideas to Carol at [email protected].

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents

We celebrate the births of more healthy babies that have been brought to the arms of their parents. What can we glean from these successful gifts of surrogacy?

The observations thus far reflect a genuine devotion “from start to finish” on the part of our surrogates and a nurturing environment promoted by both the couple and the Building Families team. While each and every surrogate is unique, some consistent threads can be found. Our surrogates have successfully grappled with the ambiguity of the task from the initial evaluations for entering the program to preparing their bodies, hearts, and families for the conception. They work through this process always towards the final goal of delivering the gift of a child to their eagerly awaiting couple. As I reflect on these memorable events, I remain in awe of the terrific capacity of these women to give love through the emotional complexity that can describe most of our lives. We are fortunate, indeed, to have surrogates who believe in and desire to not only help build families, but share with her couple the joys of pregnancy, the excitement of the birth and all along allowing the Building Families team to assist and support her.

Of course, this can be difficult since most, if not all, of our surrogates are independent and self sufficient by nature. There is a trust level that develops and grows between each and everyone and ultimately leads us to a successful surrogacy experience.

Vesna Radojevic, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who directs the psychology component of Building Families, Inc.
The Psychologist and the Surrogate Mother
The Psychologist and the Intended Parents

Hi!  My name is Geri and Carol asked me to write a little something about my surrogacy story with a current update.  I practically wrote a novel and sent it to her.  The following will be an edited version of my story as you don’t have weeks to read my story.  Ha!  Carol knows that my surrogacy journey was incredible and still to this date I have a close relationship with the parents of Liam and Carrick whom I delivered on October 26, 2006.  So, here’s my story:

After having two beautiful children, Rebecca & Nathan, my husband, Darrell, and I knew that our family was complete.  As happy as I was, I did feel sad that I wouldn’t have any more pregnancies.  Just the feeling of having a life grow inside of you is so amazing…..Then one day, I read about surrogacy in a local magazine.  I had heard of it before but it didn’t enter my mind then as I was busy building my own family.  But now, it seemed like the perfect answer for me, to experience pregnancy again but not have the responsibility of having another child.

Darrell and I discussed it and decided it would be wonderful to help a Couple achieve their dream of parenthood.  In our discussion, we realized we couldn’t imagine our lives without our kids and my pregnancies were super easy and my recovery was really quick.   So I made some calls.  I chose Building Families, of course, and had a wonderful experience.  My daughter, Rebecca, was 5 at the time so she understood the process pretty well.  My son, Nathan, was only 1 so there wasn’t much explanation that he needed.

Our lives were busy with two kids, but so was theirs as they had a 6 year old to manage.  But throughout the twin pregnancy, the Intended Mom attended every appointment.  We also got our families together as often as we could.  I felt like it was a blessing to share so much with the Mom & Dad-to-be.  They were so interested in getting to know their son and daughter even before they were born.  I remember feeling anxious when they first told us that the pregnancy was twins.  Then I immediately calmed down when I reminded myself they were not mine!  The delivery date arrived and it was beyond awesome.  My husband and both of the parents were able to be in the delivery room.  They were born so healthy that they left the hospital before me!    It was one of the proudest days of my life.

I feel fortunate that we have maintained our friendship and still have contact after all of these years.   I had heard stories about how the relationship dies after some time, so I was happy to know ours hadn’t.  But the more I thought about it, this relationship was no different than others I have.  If it is nourished, it will continue to flourish.  And it has!

I am often asked if it feels weird to see the Couple with the babies that I carried for them.  Honestly, it doesn’t.   I don’t have maternal feelings for the kids.  I love them as I do their parents.  When we’re together, it is no longer about me having carried their children.  They do know who I am, but it is not a huge deal.  And that’s how I want it.  They are turning 4 years old in October and I can still honestly say becoming a Surrogate Mother was the best decision we ever made.  We completed someone’s family.  How awesome is that?

Needless to say, Jenny’s wedding has consumed most of my time and definitely my thoughts as well.  It is interesting the range and depth of emotion that such as event can trigger.  While in Spain, (and yes, I will be blogging about that trip as soon as the wedding is over!) I was sitting with the parents of Angel, Paula, Candela and Hugo enjoying a coffee after dinner.  We were sitting on the veranda of their beautiful home enjoying a nice evening outside.  Of course, the wedding was brought up and after discussing all of the preparations John and I have made to make this as perfect a day as possible for our daughter, I was asked a question.  A simple question, really.  As they were about to ask, I remember thinking that these parents have young children and a wedding date for any of their kids must seem like a lifetime away.  Then they asked me, “Has any part of the preparation been more emotional than another?”  It only took me a moment to answer the question as I remember that day quite clearly.  I was not prepared for the emotion of that day to still be so vivid, but it was. To all of our surprise, the tears began rushing down my face as I shared that day with them.  In between the sobbing and running for more tissue, I told them this story.

What was sure to be one of many trips, I took Jenny and her bridesmaids shopping for dresses.  I was mentally prepared that they would try on about 60 dresses…each!  I have heard the horror stories about how difficult the selection process could be.  But my little girl, stayed true to form.  Those who know her won’t be surprised when I tell you that she came in with pictures from David Bridal’s website.  She had her list organized in preference order with her most favorite at the top.  The consultant was stunned and said aloud that in her many years of experience she has never had a bride that organized.  In less than 2 hours, Jenny had found the perfect dress not only for herself but her bridesmaids too.  That was a record and although the shopping experience was painless, that is not what brought me to tears.  It probably would have brought tears to my husband’s eyes though.  Haha!

Anyway, back to choosing her dress.  She gave the list to the consultant and off she went to collect them.  I was in battle mode protecting Jenny from the many solicitors offering their services from photography to wedding consultants to DJs so she could focus on finding the perfect dress.  When I finally got to the dressing area, the dresses were in the dressing room and the consultant was standing outside the door.  She waved me over and said that Jenny wouldn’t try on any dresses without me.  I went in the room and she was sitting there waiting for me.  When she looked up at me, my mind flashed through the last 24 years and the many occasions that she and I went shopping for dresses.  When she was so small I had to find the perfect white dress for her baptism and here we were looking for another white dress.  I gave her a big hug and asked her why she didn’t start without me.  She couldn’t explain it except she didn’t want to try on any dress without me there.  We hugged again and then started on our mission.  I have never seen so many buttons and snaps and twists and ties.  It wasn’t until she stepped out of the dressing room that it hit me like a ton of bricks that my baby girl was wearing a wedding gown.  I managed to keep my emotions intact as we were in the middle of a store surrounded by so many people and Jenny’s bridesmaids too.  I kept busy helping all of the girls because I knew if I stopped for one moment, the tears would come and I wasn’t sure when they would stop.  As I mentioned earlier, we were done in record time and I took the girls for coffee to reward ourselves for the accomplishments we made that day.  But the moment I got home, John asked me how the day went and I couldn’t even speak.  He waited patiently as I described the events through the many tears.

I spent the next few weeks with a pain in my heart as I thought of all of the moments I would have loved to share with my mother at this time in my and my daughter’s lives.  I was only 13 years old when my mother went to Heaven and I thought then of the many things I wanted to share with her but would be unable to.  Those thoughts were of school activities, especially my high school graduation.  I couldn’t imagine her not being there as she had for every important event in my life so far.  I also couldn’t have imagined how much I miss her later in my life, as I do now.  I didn’t share this pain with my daughter as I only wanted her to have happy thoughts and not to worry about me.  But one day recently, unbeknownst to her, she brought me such joy and peace in.  We were sitting on my bed and discussing the items she still needs for her wedding.  She said she had something borrowed, which were my diamond earrings.  The blue something was her garter belt.  The new something was her dress that she absolutely loves.  She only needs something old.  She asked me if I had anything of my mother’s that she could use.  I thought my heart was going to leap from my chest.  “From my Mother?” I asked.  She said she had been thinking a lot about the Grandmother she had never met but didn’t bring it up because she didn’t want to make me sad.  Once again, I couldn’t speak.  My throat was closed, but yet I managed to breathe. I took out my mother’s jewelry box from my closet and together we went through it.  I told her stories about many of the pieces and then she found an old diamond heart pendant.  “This is perfect”, she stated with a proud smile.  All I could mutter was, “Thank you”.

Every Surrogate Mom tells me that they are at a loss for words when their Couples praise them for their generosity throughout their surrogacy experience.  Even before the pregnancy is achieved, the Couples thank them for their efforts.  But at the delivery and thereafter, needless to say the “Thanks” is said with so much more emotion and profound gratitude.  So, what do you say to that?  That is the question every Surrogate Mom asks me.  They want to know how to respond.  I have always said there are no words to respond especially because I believe the Surrogate cannot possibly grasp the magnitude of what she has just done.  She has changed not only these people’s lives forever, but their families, their community and quite possibly the world.  In 20 years from now, some of Building Families’ babies will be in their upper 30’s.  Maybe they will be the President of the United States or leader of their own country.  Wow, huh?!!  Anyway, I don’t want the point of my statement to get lost in the multitude of possibilities that the future will hold for all of my BFI babies.  The point is that when you have done something so profound, what is the proper response?

Well, I want to share my two days with Britni and her family as I believe it answers this question.  Britni delivered on April 2^nd and it was an incredible day.  The delivery was planned so we were supposed to arrive to the hospital at 8:00am.  Late the night before, the hospital called to say they were booked and we had to wait until noon to come in.  That was just fine as that gave us more time to visit at the local Starbucks.  I have to say in my 19 years, I have not met with the Surrogate Mom and her Couple at a Starbucks a few hours before their baby was to be born.  But it was fitting for this case.  Britni comes from a small town and I think that everyone, literally, knows each other there.  We sat at a table that had 8 chairs, maybe 10, and slowly each chair was filled.  Besides us, Britni’s family came to wish everyone well, then friends, etc.  It was such an incredible show of support not only to Britni, but to her Couple too.  Britni was keeping track of everyone’s guesses for the time of the birth and also Emma’s weight.  There were 20 people in that pool!

I had to break up the party and remind everyone that we had a baby to deliver.  Not that Emma wasn’t the topic of many of the conversations, still time was flying by as it usually does when you are having fun and we had to be at the hospital in less than 15 minutes!  It was very cute to see a side to the Dad-to-be that I had not really seen yet.  It took me a while to come up with an adjective to describe him as he was nervous, excited, deliriously happy and did I mention nervous?  So, I said to his wife that he seemed giddy to me.  We both laughed as she completely agreed.  And she said too that this is a side she rarely has seen and it warms her heart to see his excitement about becoming a Dad.  Now don’t think for a moment that Mom was all calm and collected.  We were completing paperwork and at some point she asks me, “So, Carol, what floor are we on now?”  I thought she was kidding so I laughed.  This was a small hospital and there were no floors but the one we were on.  Then I realized she was serious.  I laughed even harder.  I told her she needed someone to pinch her as she needed a reality check.  It was then she realized how nervous she was.

It seemed like we went from checking in to the hospital to delivery in no time.  The new parents were by Britni’s side awaiting Emma’s arrival.   Dad was ready to cut the cord and he did a fine job.  Mom couldn’t stop hugging Britni as tears streamed down her face.  Britni finally had to tell them to go be with their beautiful baby girl.  Mom reluctantly left Britni’s side as it was obvious she wanted to make sure she was okay and was torn between her and her new baby.   There was not a dry eye in that room! I had guessed that Emma would arrive at 6:15pm, but I was off by 30 minutes.  Britni predicted it to be 6:45pm and she was exactly right.  Go figure!  I think there was some cheating going on there.  Ha!  But I guessed Emma’s weight exactly at 7lb 2oz.  So, I won $20!!   Check out my picture holding my winnings.

After everyone got settled in after Emma’s arrival, the party that started at Starbucks that morning resumed.  Pizza was delivered and the visiting continued into well into the night.  The only difference is there was one more person in the room; the person who brought us all together in the first place.  She didn’t have a name yet or even a planned date for her arrival two years ago when I first met her parents.  But she was in their hearts when I first met them and when I left them that evening, she was in their arms.  All thanks to Britni!

So, the next morning I came in to check on everyone and to say my good-byes as I needed to start on my 3+ hour drive home.  I stopped by Britni’s room first and her husband and father were visiting.  We decided to go next door and visit the new family.  The new Dad looked a little tired, but still had that huge smile on his face.  He was feeding his daughter and had music playing on his I-Phone for her.  He insisted she liked his music.  The new Mom was asking Britni how she was feeling and as soon as Emma finished her bottle, she gave Emma to Britni to hold.  Britni’s friends and family stopped by during the day yesterday and also that morning bearing gifts.  I think that new Parents must have rented a U-Haul to take everything home!  It was amazing how much support everyone was given throughout our journey together.  Even I got beautiful flowers and a thoughtful gift from Britni and her family.  They thanked me for what I do.  I was at a loss for words.  What was I supposed to say?  I told them the truth.  I was honored to have worked with such beautiful people and having lived this past year with them has enriched my life.  It wasn’t a direct answer, but it was how I felt.

Then I got to hold Emma.  So many memories came flooding into my head as I looked upon her sweet, little face.  I remembered vividly when I first introduced her parents to Britni & Nate.  How after 3 hours I finally had to leave and they stayed talking for I don’t know how long.  I remember how nervous the Mom-to-be was when she was meeting Britni’s parents for the first time.  But they were so warm and welcoming we were both at ease in no time.  We went to their local Mexican restaurant and many of their friends and family joined us.  And it remained this way throughout.  I couldn’t help but smile.  I realized when I got home that I still had that smile on my face!

Well, let me get back to the point of sharing my entire two days with you besides the obvious fact that this was a beautiful story that I wanted to share.  I realized I didn’t have any pictures of Nate holding Emma and he was happy to oblige.  Now remember, throughout their entire journey this grateful Couple constantly praised Britni and Nate for their efforts in making them a family.  They said thank you probably a million times and that may not be an exaggeration!  So, I hand Emma to Nate and he gazes into her beautiful face and says to the new Dad, “You’re Welcome”.   The Dad and I looked at each other for a moment a little puzzled as he hadn’t said anything.  We looked back at Nate.  He didn’t say anything else at first, but then he got an excited look on his face.  He began to tell him about all of the cool stuff that he would be able to do with his new kiddo and how great life will be.  And he just wanted him to know right now that it was his pleasure to be a part of it and he didn’t know what else to say.  He went on to say, “So, when you’re up at night with a sick baby or videotaping her first dance recital, just know that “You’re Welcome.”

We laughed at the simplicity of it and we even joked about it a bit.  But truly it is the right answer.  Our mothers taught us when we were little to say “Thank You” and to always respond with “You’re Welcome”.   So, listen to your mothers and follow their advice.