“It’s not good news today”, that’s the response I received to my “Hello” when I answered the phone. “Dangit” was what first came out of my mouth and before I was able to fully process my negative result, she goes on to say, “Your IPs want to try again.” Talk about a full range of emotion!
I appreciated their faith in me and in the process, but I was still imagining the disappointment they were feeling. I couldn’t help but wonder if this failed attempt brought back their difficult past, the reason they needed my help in the first place. They were not only optimistic, but they were apologetic. They actually apologized to me! I felt like I was supposed to be apologizing to them. They quickly reminded me of our recent success, just last year, when I gave birth to their daughter. Thinking of her grounded us, and filled us with hope for the future.
Then came the task of notifying the 50+ people who knew I was waiting for the results that day. I know am fortunate to have a huge support system with so many rooting me on, so I am not complaining. It just wasn’t the news I expected to share. In retrospect, I now understand why many choose to share with a select few.
As a typically positive person, it’s hard for me to admit that I struggled with doubts over the next 24 hours. I kept replaying the transfer, the bed rest, and the days leading up to the pregnancy test. Could I have done something more? Was my shower too warm? Did I eat too many cookies? Did I drink enough water? And more things that are just as ridiculous to write as they were for me to think!! Finally, my heart and my head synced and I knew that I did everything right and it is true, that sometimes it just doesn’t work. Plain and simple!
So back on the saddle we go!