Hi my name is Tracy Matthews. Welcome to part 2 of our presentation about becoming a surrogate mother through Building Families. If you haven’t watched Part 1, it’s a good idea to go do that first so you have all of the information you need.
I have been working with Building Families for about 7 years now. As I talked about in part 1 of our presentation, I have been a surrogate mother three times. I carried two boys, now ages 5 and 6, for a couple who lives locally and I carried another boy who is now 1 and a half for a wonderful couple in Spain. Although my experiences with these families were completely different, all three of my surrogacies have helped me to be better able to talk to potential surrogate candidates, like you, about the process of becoming a surrogate mother. Let’s get started.
We’ll start by reviewing the information that was presented in part 1. First, you should visit our web site at www.buildingfamiliesinc.com and complete our inquiry form. We need to know some important information about you that tells us if you are eligible for our program so please be sure to fill this out completely. You will receive a call from a Building Families representative who will conduct a phone interview to obtain some more detailed information about you that will help us decide if you are an appropriate candidate for surrogacy through our program. Once the phone interview is completed, the Building Families representative will send you an application. The first part of the application is the confidential information. We need to know a lot about you to conduct a background check and make sure you are qualified so please fill out each section fully and honestly. The second part of the application is your profile. Keep in mind that potential couples will be reading this application so make sure your answers are thought out and complete. There are also really important questions like how you feel about selective reduction or medical abortion. We need you to be open and honest with your feelings about these topics so that we can facilitate the best match for you and your family so that your desires for surrogacy are fulfilled. Once your application is completed, the BF representative will contact you to schedule a home interview. During this interview, the representative will meet you and your family and review the surrogacy process with you in detail. If you feel you are ready to commit to the journey of surrogacy through Building Families and the Building Families representative feels you are a good fit for the program, you will make an appointment with our program psychologist, Dr. Rad. She will interview you and your spouse and also have you take a psychological profile test called an MMPI 2. She will make a determination about whether or not you are accepted into the program. So Now that you’ve been cleared by our psychologist and are ready to get going, what happens next?
Our program director, Carol Weathers, uses the information she collected from Dr. Rad after your psychological screening along with the details she gathers from your profile and from when she meets you in person. She compares some of your answers on the profile to the intended parent’s profile to ensure there is no major conflict such as a decision about selective termination or medical abortion. We call these items, “non-negotiables”. It is necessary that you and the Intended Parents share the same belief system when it comes to something so important. Outside of these critical items, she also looks for someone who she believes is a good personality match for you, someone you can build a relationship with. Her goal is not to find your new best friend, so you must realize that all of these relationships start off somewhat awkward, but eventually, with some effort on everyone’s part, it blossoms into something beautiful.
When our program director feels she has someone who may be a good match with you, she will share their profile and pictures with you. You will have a chance to review this information and decide if you are interested in meeting them. If you are, she will share your profile and pictures with the Couple so they can determine if they are interested in meeting you too. It is important to tell you that we have local couples, couples in other states, and even couples in other countries
that need a qualified surrogate mother. Keep in mind that no matter where your couple is from, you can have the relationship and experience you want in a surrogacy as long as you focus on the goal…the goal to help them achieve their dream of a having a baby. I’ve been blessed to have both experiences… local and international. I can tell you first hand that, while they were unique and completely independent of each other, they were both important and life changing for me in the very same way.
So, you’ve told Carol that you like the profile and the Couple likes your profile too. What now? It’s time to meet them. If they happen to live locally, you will meet them in person. We always introduce you in a social setting such as lunch or dinner and a Building Families representative always attends this meeting. This is the awkward part that I mentioned earlier. Many people have equated this meeting to a blind date. You don’t know what to wear, you change your outfit 20 times and you’re still not happy with your choice even as you enter the restaurant. Take some comfort in knowing that the Intended Mom went through the same thing! They, too, want to make a good impression. You spend the next couple of hours talking about yourselves and of course the reason you are there. We announce early on that no decisions will be made at the table. This is just an opportunity to get to know each other and then each of you will notify Carol later with your decision on whether or not this is the match for you.
If they live anywhere outside of the local area, you will meet them by by Skype or by phone if Skype is not convenient for everyone at that time but having access to a computer and the internet are key components to your participation in our Program. Not only is it a wonderful tool to communicate with your Couple so they can see you and their baby grow, this is the primary mode of communication for the doctor’s offices. Anyway, back to the meeting. This meeting is facilitated by a Building Families representative and although you will not be in the same room, the process of getting to know to each is similar. You will be asked questions and have the opportunity to ask questions of the Intended Parents as well. , The same applies with this kind of meeting, no decision while together. You should collect all of the information you need to make your decision and then call Carol with it. The Couple will do the same on their end about moving forward with you as their surrogate. Once everyone has mutually agreed to work together, we need to get you into the reproductive endocrinologist to make sure you are medically ready for surrogacy.
During your appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist (which is the fertility doctor but we’ll refer to them as the RE from here on out), the doctor’s office will obtain a physical history of you similar to the first time you visit a new OBGYN. They will be particularly interested in your pregnancy and delivery histories and will ask questions about your current and historical menstrual cycles. They will also perform a physical examination which includes a vaginal ultrasound along with other tests they may need to complete to ensure that you are medically ready for the surrogacy process.
Once you’ve been medically cleared, we can move into the contracting phase. This is where you enter into an agreement with the intended parents to carry their child or children. The intended parent’s attorney will write the contract and review it with them. The intended parents will sign the contract and send it to you for review. You will have a chance to look it over and then we will arrange legal representation for you for the contract review. The contract review is typically done by phone. They will go through the contract line by line to make sure you understand exactly what you will be signing. Once the meeting is concluded, you will sign and return the contract to the attorney.
Now let’s can focus on the fun part…getting you pregnant. You will have in vitro fertilization to try to become pregnant. At a high level, they take the sperm from the dad and eggs from the mom and create the embryos. They then transfer the embryos into your uterus and we all hope that one of the little embryos attaches and becomes a viable pregnancy. In order to prepare your body for this, you will be on several medications prescribed by the RE. The RE’s office will tell you the dosages and timing of each medication. Some of these medications are injectable while others are oral and some are administered through patches on the skin. This process can take several weeks and involves multiple appointments with the RE so you’ll need to be prepared to be very flexible with your schedule to accommodate these appointments. Once your body is ready and the embryos have been created, you’ll have what we call an embryo transfer. This is done at the RE’s office and is done fairly quickly. It is pretty similar to having a pap smear in terms of discomfort. After the procedure is completed, you will have to go on bed rest for at least 48 hours. Because you are a mom and have children at home that would need you, you have to do this bed rest at a hotel. All of your expenses for this stay are covered. I’d like to point out that the embryo transfer timing is based on a lot of factors and isn’t always predictable. You may only have a few days notice and will need to be able to take the time off from your life. We do our best to give you advance notice but it doesn’t always work out the way we want it to so you’ll need to have flexibility.
Approximately two weeks after the transfer, you will have a blood test to confirm pregnancy. If you are pregnant, you will follow up with a vaginal ultrasound about a week later to confirm the presence of the gestational sac. You will have a few more follow up appointments at the RE’s office where vaginal ultrasounds will be performed to check on growth and development. During one of these appointments, you may find out you’re pregnant with twins! What does this mean to you in terms of your surrogacy? Well, first of all, it means you’ll need to be prepared for additional doctor’s appointments. We send all surrogates pregnant with twins to a specialty doctor called a Perinatologist. These doctors work with high risk pregnancies and even though you may have a perfectly healthy normal twin pregnancy, it will be considered high risk and it is necessary for you to see the Perinatologist during the pregnancy. You may feel overwhelmed and caught off guard if this is your first twin pregnancy. Don’t worry….that’s normal! Our psychological support system is designed to help you through things like this.
What happens if you don’t get pregnant? This is the hardest part of surrogacy. Often times, many first time surrogates assume that they will get pregnant easily because they got pregnant quite easily with their own children. They aren’t always ready to hear a not pregnant after the pregnancy test. If you don’t get pregnant, there are options. Your couple may have frozen embryos and will be able to proceed quickly with another try. They may need to do another egg retrieval cycle and create new embryos. They may need to take a break and think about next steps. Either way, it’s important to focus on the goal of helping someone have a baby. Sometimes, a surrogate mother will have multiple attempts at becoming pregnant without success. I know this personally as this did happen to me. It can be heartbreaking and discouraging but with the right attitude and a will to achieve your goal, you can be successful. I am living proof of that!
Once you’ve completed all of the RE appointments, you will select an OBGYN. You will need to make sure the OB that you select accepts the health insurance that you have for the surrogacy. You also need to make sure that they have delivery privileges at a hospital with an adequate NICU facility in case there are any complications with the baby. At your first OB visit, a Building Families representative will try to arrange a payment plan with the office directly. If that is not possible, you will send your bills to Building Families for processing so that the trust attorney can pay your bills promptly. Keep in mind that your couple may choose to have an amniocentesis. This is strictly their decision to make so know that it is a possibility in every surrogate pregnancy.
Once a month, you will attend a mandatory group counseling meeting with our program psychologist, Dr. Rad. Here you will interact with surrogates in all stages of the surrogacy process. There will be new surrogates, surrogates that are pregnant, and surrogates that have just delivered. And you’ll most likely get to meet experienced surrogates who’ve done this a time or two. This meeting is a confidential secure forum where you can share the things that are going on with your surrogacy in a safe environment surrounded by women who are having similar experiences in their surrogacy’s. But we understand that while being a surrogate mother, life continues to happen. We have supported women through a death in the family, a family member with an illness, or if there is an issue with a co-worker or friend and the Group give advice and support to each other. You will be able to use this group as your support system throughout the entire process.
Your delivery will be planned between you and your doctor. This planning includes what is typically in a birth plan, but with the intended parents in mind. You and your doctor make decisions about whether or not you will have an epidural or any other assistance during the labor and delivery. You decide if you want music playing or complete silence in the room. Most Surrogate Moms look forward to sharing the birthing experience with their Couple. Many have said that it is this moment that they have been looking forward to since they first made contact with Building Families. Some Surrogate Moms have clear ideas of how they want the birth to go including the moment the baby is born, they want to be the one to hand the baby to its mother. While others say they want the Mom & Dad to be the first one to hold their baby. However you envision the birth, just know that the Couple are grateful beyond words that you have allowed them to witness the birth of their child.
After the baby is born, some people might have the impression that the baby is whisked away never to be seen by the surrogate, sort of like a closed adoption. This is simply not the case. After the baby is born, you will all remain in the same room for a recovery period. During this time, there is a lot of picture taking and everyone, especially you, get to cuddle with the newest addition to your Couple’s family. After the recovery period, the baby will either go to the nursery or to a private room with his or her parents, depending on the particular situation. We encourage you to visit with the intended parents and their baby and, if possible, your family should come and meet the little one that you all have helped to bring into the world.
After you’ve delivered, you will want to take the opportunity to start focusing on your family again. While you may not realize it, this is a whole family sacrifice and your spouse and kids will be excited to get back to normal. If your family wasn’t able to have a visit with the baby while you are in the hospital, we will arrange for that to happen. You may visit with them several times in the first few weeks after delivery. As time goes on, most surrogates and intended parents continue to keep in contact but do so less frequently than during the pregnancy. This is okay. You are focusing again on your family and they are now focusing on theirs, thanks to you! For most surrogates, you can expect to keep in contact with the intended parents on some level for years and years to come.
If you’d like more information, please contact me at Tracy.Matthews@buildingfamiliesinc.com or contact our program director, Carol Weathers, at Carol.Weathers@buildingfamiliesinc.com.
We appreciate you taking the time to view this presentation and wish you success in your desire to become a surrogate mother.
See Part 1 Here!
